Les carnets du Nonchaloir

At first it was just a spark A sting in your back Or your wrist A reminder Now you are burried in fire You failed to conceal that spark Your body in a volcano Lava leaking on your shoulders After you tried so hard to burry yourself Into ice Into the coldness Down into the winter where you didn't belong Now you have to face this battlefield That you were running away from so long It burns Everywhere There's no escape You can't move You are turning into burning stone You're lost at the heart of the earth That small red coal you didn't want to mind Has consumed you Your skin is in flames And as you try to reach a hand to touch the water It vanished. You're left alone with the fire. All you've got left are those empty eyes Looking for a soothing you won't get. At first it was just a spark But they let you turn into a volcano.

When you look at me you can only see the battles I've lost The scars I have The steps I missed The tears I cried and the night I've spent awake All my injuries, my failures, my cracks are on display. You can't see the first step I took into the water The day I pushed the door to fight back all of my demons Even if I was still weak and unsure of the victory And will forever remain ; You can't see the day I stuck a needle in my thigh My hand shaking and my eyes wetting but still trying To walk on the scary, right path. You can't count the pills I didn't swallow The jumps I didn't jumped The cars that didn't hit me The missing scars. All you can see are dark circles under my eyes A redness on my left arm My legs failing me in the middle of a step And you assume I've already lost. But I won I win every time I turn my back to someone who will only stab me with their love Even though I love them Even

J'avais commencé à écrire ça en août. En fait c'est pas mal . [Anorexie] Au début c'était comme un jeu qui n'avait aucun sens. Personne ne t'aurais pris au sérieux - quoi, anorexique, on ne tombe pas anorexique, on est anorexique quand on est assez maigre, tu n'es pas assez maigre, alors à quoi tu joues. Tu t'es lié aux chiffres. Au contrôle. Aux listes. Restriction. Interdit. Soustraction. Graphiques. Tableurs. Calculs. Mesures. Puis les crises, planifiées, comme une porte de sortie, comme pour te prouver que dans ta folie du contrôle tu contrôlais encore ta chute. Comme si t'étais pas déjà parti au-delà du poids, des chiffres, comme si tu voulais pas juste te persécuter tout le temps. Des années après. Les mois où il est impossible de ne pas manger. Les mois où il est impossible d'avaler. Ton corps qui prend sa propre respiration. Les mois de haine. Les mois de haine. Parfois c'est presque sain vu

A storm rushed in and there is nothing left of me . Rien qu’un grain de sable. I want to fail on purpose so I will never have to find out if I was good enough . Le grain de sable vibre doucement au son d’un battement de coeur. You can do this. You just can’t right now . Minuscule et noyé. A storm rushed in and there is nothing left of me . Rien qu’un miroir brisé. I gather the dust of my old self. Ses éclats parsèment la pièce et transpercent mes pieds nus. It tries to escape from my fingers, but I must hold on. Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais je continue de marcher. A storm rushed in and there is nothing left of me. Rien qu’une statue de pierre. I raise my hands and try to reach the sky as I jump in the wind Je dois briser sa carapace. There is nothing I can hold on to, I’m going to fall . Je dois la faire retourner à la lave. A storm rushed in and there is nothing left of me . Rien qu’un monstre noir et gluant. I am drowning in the ocean